I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.
One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. Ill play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.
Ill tell ya, my wife and I, we dont think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!
Rodney Dangerfield (Al Czervik): OK, you can owe me.
When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
My wife had her drivers test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.
I was so ugly, my mother used to feed me with a slingshot!
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.
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I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, Wait til it gets warmer.
My marriage is on the rocks again. Yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
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Redneck: Hey, Chester. My names Harland, and to me you look like a giant asshole.
Rodney Dangerfield (Al Czervik): Hey, doll. Could you scare up another round for our table over here? And tell the cook this is low grade dog food. Ive had better food at the ballgame, you know? This steak still has marks from where the jockey was hitting it.
Rodney Dangerfield (Al Czervik): Whatre we, waiting for these guys? Hey Whitey, wheres your hat?
A travel agent told I could spend 7 nights in HAWAII no days just nights.
[looks at Judge Smails, whos wearing the same hat]
My wife a great driver, she once hit a deer. It was in a zoo. There are a pair of shoes on the dashboard. they belong to the last guy she hit
Rodney Dangerfield (Al Czervik): Oh, it looks good on you though.
With my wife I dont get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to the best woman a man ever had. The waiter joined me.
For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper. I met the surgeon general – he offered me a cigarette.
Judge Smails: Do you mind, sir. Im trying to tee off.
One time I went into a hotel, I asked the bellhop to handle my bag – he felt up my wife.
Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.
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A hooker once told me she had a headache.
When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, We want five thousand dollars or youll see your kid again.
My wife isnt very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, Did you see the guy that did it? She said, No, but I got the license plate.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. I bought a waterbed and found a guy at the bottom of it.
My cousins gay, I always tell him that in our family tree, hes in the fruit section.
Rodney Dangerfield (Al Czervik): Oh, this is the worst-looking hat I ever saw. What, when you buy a hat like this I bet you get a free bowl of soup, huh?
My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
And we were poor too. Why, if I wasnt born a boy, Id have nothing to play with!
I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown necktie.
My cousins gay, in school while other kids were dissecting frog, he was opening flies.
I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.
When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, Look, twins!
I tell you, Im not a sexy guy. I was the centerfold for Playgirl magazine. The staples covered everything!
I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in the library. I woke up and a blind man was reading my face.
One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!
Boy what a hotel that was, why they stole my towel.
Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt because he leaves a pyramid in every room.
I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in a library. I woke up and a blind man was reading my face.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. In the library the sign says shut the f..k up!
A girl phoned me and said, Come on over. Theres nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home!
Last week I told my psychiatrist, I keep thinking about suicide. He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.
Last Halloween a kid tried to rip my face off. He thought it was a mask. Now its different when I open the door the kids hand me candy.
I remember one guy gave her a good piece of his mind. yeah, it was right after she took a good piece of his leg.
Its tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she wont drink from my glass!
Last week I saw my psychiatrist. I told him, Doc, I keep thinking Im a dog. He told me to get off his couch.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. In the local restaurant I sat down and had broken leg of lamb.
During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax!
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Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
Once when I was lost I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, Do you think well ever find them? He said, I dont know kid. There are so many places they can hide.
My uncles dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
Judge Smails: Gambling is illegal at Bushwood sir, and I never slice.
Im not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.
If it werent for pick-pocketers, Id have no sex life at all.
My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
Rodney Dangerfield (Chester): My name is Chester, Im great, Im wonderful! Everybody likes me!
I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint–a Saint Bernard!
Rodney Dangerfield (Chester): Youve got to change your behavior.
I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. Thats when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.
What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.
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I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens
I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette.
I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back!
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. I drink too much. Way too much. My doctor drew blood. He ran a tab.
I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, Are you going to hate yourself in the morning? She said, No, I hate myself now.
I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great uncle fought for the west!
I tell you, with my doctor, I dont get no respect. I told him, Ive swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. He told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
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I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor. They sent a priest up to talk to me. He said, On your mark…
One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, Hey buddy…why are you doing that for? He said, Because you came home early.
Im a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.
Rodney Dangerfield (Chester): Well, if Im an asshole theres a reason for it. Youre contagious!
Rodney Dangerfield (Al Czervik): Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. On my street, the kids take hubcaps – from moving cars.
I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek – she bent over!
I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Once somebody stole our car. I asked my wife if she saw who it was. she said No, but I did get the license number.
I knew a girl so ugly, the last time I saw a mouth like hers it had a hook on the end of it.
I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, Whatll you have? I said, Surprise me. He showed me a naked picture of my wife.
Rodney Dangerfield (Al Czervik): Hey everybody, were all gonna get laid.
My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
I went to see my doctor… Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah…I told him once, Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. Whats wrong with me? He said, I dont know, but your eyesight is perfect.
My wife made me join her bridge club … I jump next Tuesday.
When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.
What a dog I got. I tried to mate her – she wants 50 biscuits.
My wifes not to smart. I told her our kids were spoiled. she said, all kids smell that way.
What a dog I got. His favorite bone is in my arm!
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the Fruit of the Loom guys laughing at me.
When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, Im very sorry. We did everything we could…but he pulled through.
I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasnt enough.
What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!
Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.
Its tough to stay married. My wife says no because shes tired then stays up and reads her book.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasnt a professional, the knife had butter on it.
I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big Id get.
What a dog I got. Last night he went on the paper 4 times – 3 while I was reading it
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
Its tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she wont drink from my glass.
With my dog I dont get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He dont want to go out. He wants me to leave.
My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.
My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
One year they wanted to make me poster boy… for birth control.
My psychiatrist told me Im going crazy. I told him, If you dont mind, Id like a second opinion. He said, All right. Youre ugly too!
I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
My old man, I told him Im tired of running around in circles, So he nailed my other foot to the floor.
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
[Swings club, slices ball into woods]
Rodney Dangerfield (Al Czervik): Ill bet you a hundred bucks you slice it into the woods.
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
Rodney Dangerfield (Chester): Whatd you do? A girl doesnt give the opposing team the finger and tell their coach, Up yours! A girl doesnt refer to the referee a blind bastard. A girl doesnt slap another girl on the ass and say, Youre hot stuff! And a girl doesnt say I gotta take a leak so bad I can taste it!