In the case of these films, shes probably just standing in for the audience.
Chris writes for hiswebsiteandtweets. Follow Kiers mad ravings onTwitter. Gabriel is onTwitter, and hopes his friends in the bandThe Rankscan one day be as famous as everyone on this list.
Not all movies were made to stand the test of time.
Usually you can tell what type of movie Johnny Depp is starring in by the type of headgear hes wearing on the poster. For example, you can tell how fantastic his films are by how much shit hes put on his bandanna: ranging from nothing in realistic dramaThe Braveto a complete dead bird in the upcomingLone Rangermovie.
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… or, hell, when hes just straight up gonna die inThe Bucket List.
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If we hadnt seen the movie, wed assume it was about auto-erotic asphyxiation.
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Want to know how intoxicated he gets on a film? Just look at the color of his fedora. The brighter the tone, the more wasted he gets.
That or Farrell is constantly trying to remember where he left his keys.
Since the 70s, Steve Martin has been doing that thing where hes in some sort of outrageous situation and, judging by the look on his face, expectsyouto explain to him how he got there.
Hell, sometimes he even appears to be behind his co-stars:
In sum, Depp has gone through a lot of trouble to hide his hair over the past couple of decades … but we remember what it looks like, Johnny. We remember.
Can we make the title go behind me, too? On the back of the poster?
This was followed by a couple of romantic roles where he was clearly way more into the corners than his supposed love interests:
Damn it, Steve, dont you know people only pay to see my wacky arm action?
Oh, my.4Anne Hathaway Has to Be in Front of Other People
Jack Nicholson has arguably the most famous set of teeth on the planet. Think back to the most iconic roles in his career and youll notice a pattern: They all grinned like complete maniacs.
Next, open your eyes wide and tilt to the left …
For anyone but a movie star, that look means a one-way trip to the sex offender registry.
It started innocently enough in the poster for 2001sAmerican Outlaws, with an understated corner-spotting pose hed later break out again in 2010sLondon Boulevard:
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Its telling that he apparently considers Queen Latifah more repulsive than John Candy.
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Well admit there are a few other things to go by on theFear and Loathingposter.
Where he uses Thetans to shrink street gangs.
You know how some people dont like the different foods on their plate touching? John Travolta is like that, only with the actors in his movies — theres always something (a logo, a blank space or whatever) keeping him separated from everyone else. Sometimes hes on the top:
Of course, looking atAs Good as It GetsandThe Bucket Listup there begs another question — how long has it been since Nicholson changed his sunglasses? Or does he have to wear them all the time now because otherwise the white of his teeth would blind him?
In fact, if you look at all her breakout roles, its like shes literally pushing her way to prominence. In her first serious role,Nicholas Nickleby, she somehow ended up in front of everyone else (even the main character, technically).
The problem is that Nicholsons teeth are such a big audience draw that his posters often show him smiling in situations where no one would ever be that thrilled, like when theyre going to hang him inGoin South…
It says something when wed rather choose the guy with the gun to babysit than the other two.
… and finally, make sure that the person to your right is trying to touch you and looks way too excited to be there.
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Ive eyes only for you, half-naked Cheeto man.
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And they were all that, but were sure thats just a coincidence.
How did it look? Was that sexy? Hey, this is a romantic comedy, right? Y-yes.1Jack Nicholson Really Wants to Show You His Teeth
You wouldnt think thered be many specific rules for movie posters beyond make the star look cool and dont show any dong. Butas weve mentioned before, certain actors seem to have amazingly specific and arbitrary elements that must be included at all costs, logic be damned. For instance …
Your arms are inferior, and the whole world shall know it!
This makes sense now that shes a big star, but shes actually been doing this since her very first movie roles: In thePrincess Diariesseries, Hathaway consistently managed to plant herself in front of Julie Andrews, despite not being the one who was inMary PoppinsandThe Sound of Music.
InBecoming Jane, sheappears to be pushing her co-star out of the poster, and then inGet Smart, her first action role, the entire theme of the marketing campaign was her and Steve Carrell competing to be on front.
… or on the back of a motorcycle driven by Zooey Deschanel.
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… or when hes trapped in a nuthouse where theyre going to fry his brains inOne Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest…
And other times he appears to be in front, with some type of gun in between:
Apparently Johnny is pretty self-conscious about the top of his head: Even when he doesnt have a hat on, he always makes sure to crop that part out of the poster.
Either way, after much deliberation, Farrell seems to have decided that the upper right corner was his favorite, and has spent much of his time staring dreamily into it (while continuing to neglect hot co-stars).
This was all leading up toYes Man, which depending on the market featured Carrey stretching his arms in a field …
Bacon doesnt even appear in that last film — he just showed up in the picture, like the kid inThree Men and a Baby. The upside is that by now you can just take a picture of Kevin Bacon, add some weird shit around it and bam, youve got yourself a horror picture.
Meanwhile, his weirder films rely on a series of increasingly complicated top hats: The stranger the hat, the creepier the character.
The plot for all these movies calls for that type of reaction, but even when it doesnt, she still looks utterly disappointed. Its not really something she can control. Its like once youve dated Brad Pitt, every other male on the planet is sort of meh.
Denzels superior facial hair threw him down there.
… or when hes literally living in the Great Depression inIronweed…
However, the dissatisfied look can also be found in some earlier roles that predate her relationship with Pitt:
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This tendency started with the poster forDumb and Dumber, which called for a seemingly impossible shot where both titular characters grab each others head from behind at the same time. Carreys ability to rise to the challenge gained him superstar status and a role inBatman Forever.
Our bucket list just involves being in the same room as Morgan Freeman.
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Sweet Jesus.5Jennifer Aniston Is Always With a Guy and Never Really Happy About It
After half-assing it forAce Ventura: When Nature Calls(which featuredonly one elevated arm), Carrey was back in full swing forLiar Liar– in this poster, hes saying, Look, America. Look how wide I can spread my arms.
And finally, shes the only distinguishable face inRachel Getting Married, in which she plays a self-centered maid of honor who makes her sisters wedding all about her. So apparently the poster is just her in the process of ruining a wedding photo with her face.
When Kevin Bacon started out in Hollywood, he was the typical teenage heartthrob who enchanted women and confused men, and as such he perfected the art of the intense stare:
… usually while looking to the left and/or standing by his female co-star.
Theyre just not pointy enough. Not like you, corners.
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What is it that Colin Farrell finds so perplexing about corners? Its like his characters in these posters are becoming self-aware, peering into the edges of reality, unable to comprehend a world in three dimensions.
We like to think were getting pretty good at spotting when a politician is lying to us … and yet.
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Anne Hathaway has a habit of positioning herself in front of other people in her movie posters, getting to the point where sometimes her presence alone seems to make everyone around her magically turn blurry or invisible.
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Its like he has some contract demand that he doesnt have to be in the same room with the other actors when publicity photos are taken. And then when somebody tries to show him a group shot they constructed out of Photoshop, hes all WHAT IS THIS WITCHCRAFT! HURRY, DRAW A WALL BETWEEN ME AND JOAQUIN PHOENIX BEFORE HE TRIES TO STEAL MY SOUL!
The result? Her first Oscar nomination. Theres still time for her to put herself in front of Batman in the nextDark Knight Risesposter and get a Lifetime Achievement Award.
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Nothing soothes my troubled soul like a 90 degree angle.
If his posters are to be believed, Jim Carrey movies are marketed exclusively on his ability to spread his arms. For example, all we know aboutLemony Snickets A Series of Unfortunate Eventsis that Jim Carreys arms are in it, and something scary is happening to children in the space between them.
The problem was, as time went by and Bacon got older and slightly creepier, he no longer got the same type of parts … but he never stopped doing the stare.
Hands off my subpar boyfriend, bitch.
Oh, corner. Why cant I quit you?8John Travolta Is Always Separated from His Co-Stars
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We can expectLone Rangerto have aliens and time travel in it.
So whos she measuring these guys against? David Schwimmer? Or does it go back even earlier than that? What does it take to impress Jennifer Aniston?
Jennifer Aniston has been in a lot of romantic comedies; more specifically, romantic comedies where shes sitting or standing next to her co-star and looks at him like she could do a lot better. And that goes for everyone from Happy Gilmore to King Leonidas:
IM NOT GAY. I have a large compensating gun as a barrier.
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However, the Steve Martin quizzical stare is not as simple as it seems: There are many ingredients to it. For an optimal result, make sure to position yourself to the left of someone, preferably a woman, preferably named Goldie Hawn.
Usually it takes some side-boob to accomplish this effect in real life.
Congratulations! You are now a Steve Martin poster. Feel free to add brides/babies at your convenience.
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Colin Farrell is a man of many faces, and all of them seem oddly fascinated by the corners of his posters. Seriously, hes covered all four corners by now, multiple times:
Also, this image only makes sense if one arm is coming out of his head. Now you cant unsee it.
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Of course, this was probably less lets reference other posters and more theyre frozen this way by now.
And age backward, while youre at it.2Kevin Bacon Stares into Your Soul