The trend started inCasino Royale, Mikkelsens introduction to the world outside Scandinavia. In that film, his characters left eye is horribly scarred, leaving him weeping blood in moments of high stress.
Some one-hit wonders refuse to go quietly into the night.
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Leonardo loves toasting so much that he does it even when its not appropriate. Here he is explaining the rules ofInception. Its one of the most important and complicated speeches anyone in a film has ever had to give, so he of course does it by standing up and raising a glass of wine.
Here are a few incidents that deserve more than a mere 15 minutes of fame.
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And heres to the guy who killed my dad! Fuck you, buddy.
Over the course of his film career, Keanu Reeves has traveled through time, gotten in superman fights with armies of computer programs, and once helped Sandra Bullock launch a bus in a manner that spat in the very mouth of physics. But the most frequent shenanigan Reeves runs into is finding himself tied to a cybernetic chair.
Take a look at Mads Mikkelsens face. Particularly his eyes.
Arnold Schwarzenegger has turned himself into a glistening tank of a human, but all those thousands of hours at the gym seem to have made him extremely insecure about his home life. InTrue Lies, he plays a top-secret government ultra spy posing as a run-of-the-mill 300-pound bodybuilding software salesman, but he gets murderously jealous when his neglected wife seeks out adventure in the form of sleazy used car salesman Bill Paxton.
The point were trying to make is that if you see Leonardo DiCaprio start to raise his glass, run.
Later, Reeves starred inThe Matrix, in which most of the plot and interior sets were made up of cyber chairs. Keanu was quickly becoming Hollywoods go-to star for stories about people whose bodies are in chairs but whose minds are absolutely not.
InThe Wolf Of Wall Street, Leo sarcastically toasts the impotent FBI agents to show them that dickheads can do anything they want if theyre rich enough.
Dont believe any of the following.
Im here to talk to you about the Musketeers initiative.
is a movie about a man who cant say no to things! Even flies on his eyeball!
If you dont count wacky comedies involving weddings, you dont see toasts in very many movies. But when you do, theres a 90 percent chance Leo DiCaprio is the one giving it. Every single filmmaker agrees that the man looks good delivering a dramatic speech with booze in his hand.
So lets raise a glass of Drano to my dead girlfriend. What? Shes not d- ACK!
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My contract clearly states that my mind and my body cannot ever appear in the same scene.
Guess your wife likes the confidence that comes from being a total fucking douchebag, bro!
It wasnt really a toast, I suppose. I just like delivering 40 percent of all movie scripts while I drink.
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InDjango Unchained, they had DiCaprios curiosity, and then they had his attention … a line that might have been clunky and overwritten had he not punctuated it with a ridiculous drink.
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So raise your glasses to how time works differently inside a dream, but then also dreaming people have to fall out of their chairs to wake up, and if you die in your dreams, you become a centaur in the next realm up, even if its real life.
The 90s were the last era in which America had its crap together.
Heres to the rest of you fuckers taking that lesson, too. Im Leo DiCaprio, and each toast I make is so, so awful.
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Many actors have a signature style. Tom Cruiseloves to run, Nicolas Cagecan never be more than six inches from fire, and Sylvester Stallone likes to add a brief fart sound to the middle of every word. But those can easily be explained away — by intensity, insanity, and mouth-full-of-farts, respectively. But no one can explain why the following five stars keep having the same bizarrely specific things happen to them in every single movie.
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Mads gooey eye isnt a plot point, or even a setup for one of Bonds one-liners. Instead, someone just looked at Mikkelsen and demanded that they fuck up his left eye before filming. And then someone completely different decided the same thing two movies later inValhalla Rising. Mikkelsens character not only has a wad of elbow skin for a left eye in the film, but he is actually called One Eye.
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But instead of quenching their hatred of Mikkelsens eye, such an affront only made Hollywoods anger grow. The Union of Hollywood Theatrical Artists Specifically for Mads Mikkelsens Eyes protested, and so inDoctor Strange, Mikkelsens eyes are two burning embers at the center of eight pounds of makeup.
What you know as Jim Carrey is merely an elastic bag holding the host of Swarmog, insect mass of Nebulo 8.
The man is covered and filled with insects in a way that may account for his inhuman gyrations. It doesnt seem to be limited to the set, either. He once told a Jimmy Kimmel audience all about themites that started living in his beard. When it comes to Jim Carrey, the question isnt whether or not he has a bug on him; its where, how many dozens, and how many eggs they are laying.
Above: The Peoples Choice winner for Actor Most Often in Cyber Chairs.
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Theres a new season of Arrested Development coming, but it isnt going to end well for one character.
Turn out the lights and say my name five times in your mirror to find out!
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Here we have the first instance, from Baz LuhrmansRomeo + Juliet. DiCaprio gives the heres to my love speech to what he thinks is his dead lover before downing poison.
Does your Earth sensor pick up how disappointing this all is? To everyone?
Next, in the smash hit everyone surely saw,Revolutionary Road, DiCaprio makes a toast to Kate Winslet being pregnant, right before Michael Shannon manages to shatter the facade and reduce DiCaprio to a screaming, violent wreck. The point is: Nothing good ever happens after a DiCaprio toast.
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These toasts arent … working out so great yet.
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And here he is inThe Man In The Iron Mask, a movie where they put the highest-paid actor on the planets head inside a bucket for most of the running time. Hes toasting to his mother and his own reign as king.
InMe, Myself, And Irene, Jims face and mouth get covered in bugs, and he absolutely doesnt care. Oddly enough, inDumb And Dumber, he mentions swallowing a junebug off-camera as a reason hes not hungry. Were not sure what this means, but Carreys characters seem to be the only people who are totally fine with live insects flying into their mouths and eyes. Are all his movies secretly zombie movies?Candymanspinoffs?
They seem all right, as far as eyes go. Nice brown color, good spacing and symmetry … no real problems worth mentioning. And yet for some reason, every filmmakers reaction when they see those eyes is I must annihilate them at all costs. Cut them out! Burn them out! Bring me the weeping children of Mads Mikkelsens eyes so they can look upon their fathers destroyer!!!
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Mikkelsens rising star meant his agent had more power to bargain, so they must have reached a compromise in the film after that. InThe Three Musketeers, his character is absolutely still missing a left eye, but he gets to wear a cool eye patch over it instead of a prosthetic ball sack.
In that tank behind the chair? Thats the dolphin we were talking about!
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It really was only a matter of time before someoneput Leo on a wine glass.
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Were talking about the one that had all the color carved out of it with a dull fork.
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Heres a fun GIF fromHow The Grinch Stole Christmas, and were beginning to suspect this wasnt even in the script. This is simply what happens when Carrey stops moving his mouth for more than five seconds.
I SAID! WERE BREAKING FOR LUNCH! WELL BE BACK IN ABOUT 90 MINUTES! GREAT WORK THIS MORNING, KEANU!
Keanu doesnt always send his mind away when hes strapped into a cyber chair. InThe Day The Earth Stood Still, he plays an alien named Klaatu. The story sees him tied to an ordinary chair and pointlessly covered in sensors by government agents who had to have been waiting their whole lives to fuck with an alien, yet still manage to screw the whole thing up.
You, uh … you got a little something in your …
InTotal Recall, Arnolds wife-stealing fears play out in the most nightmarish way possible: He finds out the woman he thinks is the love of his life is actually a double agent whos secretly with Richter, a villain who implanted fake memories into his brain to make him think he and his wife had a life together.
Seeing him deliver such a heartfelt speech with poison on hand, James Cameron wanted to see what the kid could do with real liquor. So inTitanic, he has Leo deliver a speech on how the people about to be eaten by the ocean should make each day count.
Every single one of this mans toasts leads to dark and terrible things, but he keeps doing them. You cannot stop him. Here he is in theDeparted, giving a quick toast right into the side of another mans head.
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Danish pinkeye does not fuck around.
Heres to you following us onFacebook.
Now, if you even can, try to tear your eyes away.
He got a taste for it inJohnny Mnemonic, a film about the 1990s trying to create a black hole of self-parody. Keanu plays a human flash drive in a futuristic cyber world thought up by someone very, very cynical about humanitys ability to miniaturize data storage. He enters the virtual reality via a cyber chair, whereby he risks the dangers of over-storage meltdown to … you know what? Its pretty hard to explainJohnny Mnemonicin one paragraph. Imagine the kind of cyberpunk you would hate if you were into cyberpunk, and then add a dolphin. Wait … is that it? Holy shit, we did it!
Heres to you being too late. Youre already dead.
BeforeJim & Andydocumented the full and intolerable depths of his self-indulgence, Jim Carrey was a beloved performer known for his goofy overacting and pseudo-philosophical public meltdowns. One recurring theme in Carreys performances, however, seems to have flown under the radar for years: Namely, that his rubbery face doubles as a bug magnet. Lets start with the fly that crawls across his eyeball in the stupidly premisedYes Man.
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I couldnt help but notice your gigantic muscles. Well, I only work out one muscle, and heres a hint which one: THE PENIS.
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To staying warm and strong swimming! Here here!
Then, inJingle All The Way, Arnold reprises his role as shitty inept husband, sans being an ultra spy (hes just a regular superhuman giant), and again gets insanely jealous when he notices his wifes been spending time with a certain popular-with-the-neighborhood-housewives Phil Hartman.
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For more check out9 Actors Who Do the Exact Same Thing on Every Movie Posterand6 Actors Who Play the Exact Same Role in Multiple Movies.
Reeves finally made it as a fully cyber-free chair actor in the acclaimed action filmJohn Wick, which has him tied to a chair with absolutely no electric wires or cables. It is attached to zero cyber dolphins and no alternate digital realities. It was a long and confusing road getting here, but here he is …
We … we should probably start explaining.
His next cinematic cup-hoist came inGangs Of New York, in which he disguises his threat to kill the man who murdered his father as a toast.
Cut! Were going to need to fumigate Jim again.
What are the last five words youd ever expect a man with my face and hairline to say? No, not THIS HAIRCUT WAS 60 DOLLARS. The answer was YOUR WIFE IS FUCKING ME.
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Its obvious that Hollywood will not rest until it has pried those orbs right from Mikkelsens head, so Mads made the wise move to branch out to other media. He becamebest friends withMetal Gearcreator Hideo Kojimaand agreed to star in his next game,Death Stranding. And if youd like to see the new and interesting direction Kojima is taking Mikkelsen, heres a screenshot of what his character will look like!
All three cuckolders get their comeuppance, though. Arnold uses a vast amount of CIA resources to illegally stage a prank to get Paxton to pee his pants, Hartman gets rejection eggnog thrown on him when he goes full creep, and inTotal Recall, Arnold shoots his fake wife in the head, says, CONSIDA DAT A DIVORCE, then tears Richters arms off and drops the rest of him down an elevator shaft. So in each case, love won in the end.
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Keanu even manages to find a way to incorporate cyber chairs in movies about magic. InConstantine, the title character has a chair called The Chair, which lets him get glimpses of Lucifers son Mammon obtaining the Spear of Destiny. Its another film we shouldnt try to explain in a paragraph. The point is, hes a wizard in a world of magic, and Keanu still found a way to shoot his brain into virtual reality while strapped into a chair.
The Day The Earth Stood Stillmarked Keanus growth as an actor. He demonstrated he could get strapped to chairs with fewer and fewer devices. He went even further inKnock Knock, in which he gets tied to a chair that only includes headphones.
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